The Official China Page Thing
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Thnks Fr Th Mmrs...love that song!
Topic: CHINA

This is now gonna be the official Emily Cedargren/Ceedz/Cedartree goes to China Update place...so the first update thing is that my parents leave at 9:30 this Saturday to go see China...they tour the schools me n my sisters might go to, the neighborhoods we might live in and see the sites of Beijing...Some Chinese lady that works for the relocation company is gonna take them on tours of the Great Wall, Tianjin Square and other marvellous things...haha..and every day they have lunch with a different couple or family that already live there...my mom is gonna get me the email addresses of the families kids that are about my age...Ill  be hookin up wit the chinese hotties...haha...They also are gonna go out to dinner wit the guy that will be my dads boss and his wife...that family has a 16 year old sophomore son that goes to the WAB (the school ill probly go 2)so ill probly start talkin to him...more to come soon!!!

CoMiNg AtTrAcTiOnS!!!

*The School Emily Cedartree Will Most Likely Be Goin To (Its Basically 1000000000000 times better than East)

*The Stuff Teens Do For Fun Over There (Kinda cool, but mostly sux

*The (Sweet) Houses Emily Might Live In (You Will Be Jealous) 

 

ArmLess Man
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Ummm...
There was this guy who lost one of his arms in an accident. He
became very depressed because he couldn't imagine life without
playing music, sports and all the other things that he took for
granted.

One day he could not stand it anymore and decided to commit
suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall
building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on
the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his
heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any
arms at all.


He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for
myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes
a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on
with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with
one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms continued dancing and whistling and kicking
up his heels.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy, you one-armed dickhead! My ass itches."

foo fighters
Topic: Ummm...

My Husband Just Walked Through The Door...
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Ummm...
A man and an attractive woman were having a candlelit dinner
at a fine restaurant when the waiter noticed the man slowly
sliding out of his chair and under the table.
The woman seemed not to notice as her companion disappeared
out of sight. "Pardon me, ma'am," the waiter said,
"but I think your husband is under the table."
"No, he isn't," the woman said, eyeing the waiter calmly.
"My husband just walked through the door."

Wanna Go Camping???
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Ummm...
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him
and asked, "If you woke up in the woods, scratched your butt
and found Vaseline all over it, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack
and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone then?"

The man said, "Of course not!"

The stranger said, "Wanna go camping?"

Wierd Excuses
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Ummm...
"Come on officer, I was going downhill. I think that counts
for something."

"If you give me a ticket, I'll be forced to tell your wife
about us!"

"I'm in a hurry - I'm late for traffic court."

"Oh, come on! If I get another ticket, my insurance company
will drop me."

"I thought if I had my hazards on I could speed."

"Oh, so that's where the speedometer is..."

"Sorry officer, I thought my radar detector was plugged in."

"I was just checking to see if your radar gun was working
properly."

Are You Ready For Parenthood????
Mood:  hungry
Topic: Top 10
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books
and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for
expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life
experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange
to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home.
Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple
who are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels,
and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy
it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all
of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room
from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately
8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight,
and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room
again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As
you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go
to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM.
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a
fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy
an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the
string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for
this -- all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using
only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas
tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an
empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a
place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it
in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick
it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate
cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along
both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an
hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.
Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk
down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.
Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used
chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace
your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand,
until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go
back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a
small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat
is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting
the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or
destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even
contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend
it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a
bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until
half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,
making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends,
Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find
yourself singing "I love you, you love me," at work, now! you
finally qualify as a parent.

"A Woman's Dictionary"
Mood:  party time!
Topic: Top 10


* Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just
hasn't realized it yet.

* Bar-be-que (bar*bee*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
everything up, but he "made the dinner".

* Blonde Jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

* Clothes Dryer (cloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

* Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half
pound bag of peanut M&M's.

* Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

* Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make
a purchase.

* Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend a half hour writing, then forget to take
with you to the store.

* Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be
able to duplicate again.

* Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space---if he goes in, he isn't
coming out any time soon.

* Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

* Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off
if you try to remove it

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Has A Pet Lion
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Top 10


10. "Says the roaring you hear is just his new badass ring-
tone"

9. "Took out a second mortgage to keep up with the raw meat
bills"

8. "In recycle bin, bundles of 'Amateur Zookeeper' magazine"

7. "His kids' science fair projects always involve gnawed
gazelle skeletons"

6. "Says the deep gashes in his face are from shaving with the
new Schick Quattro"

5. "Always coming back from Price Club with huge bag of 'Lion
Chow'"

4. "Only family in town that bought State Farm's mauling
insurance"

3. "Domino's always delivering large pizza with antelope
topping"

2. "Neighborhood poodles disappearing at an alarming rate"

1. "First on his speed-dial: 'Siegfried'"

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards
Mood:  chatty
Topic: Ummm...

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone
to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to
admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept
your promise.
_
OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm
taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating
bastard!

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

Were Calling it Quits
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: Ummm...
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to
anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some
of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and
her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he
was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to
name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina,
and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

$0.35 Pretzels
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Ummm...
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for
twenty-five cents each. Every day a young lawyer would leave his
office building at lunch time, and as he passed her pretzel
stand, he would leave her a quarter but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never
spoke. One day, as the lawyer passed the old lady’s stand and
left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I
have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to thirty-
five cents."

Poor Stupid Pilot...
Mood:  lucky
Topic: Ummm...
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who
was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first
time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of
making any official requests to the tower,
he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"

Top Ten Questions Paris Hilton Asked Herself Before Buying
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Top 10


10. "Does it go with my shoes?"

9. "Should I get the extended warranty that covers replace-
ment monkey parts?"

8. "Which species got the best rating from 'Consumer Monkey
reports'?"

7. "Does Louis Vuitton make monkey-wear?"

6. "Will it get along with whatever wealthy twit I'm currently
engaged to?"

5. "If I don't buy this monkey, does that mean the terrorists
have won?"

4. "Will it get along with Lindsay Lohan's orangutan?"

3. "Should I consider leasing?"

2. "Can it be trained to hold a video camera?"

1. "Will I still want a monkey when I'm sober?"

I Owe My Lawyer $250 fo that?!?
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in
making money."

"Why do you say that?"

"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and
thinking about your case: $250’."

My Neighbor Owes Me $1000
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Ummm...
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me
$500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed
you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the
proof we need to nail him."

Yep Shes Stupid...
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Ummm...
A teacher stood up in the middle of class and said
"We're starting a new unit in math, and if you're stupid,
please stand up." No one stands up except for a little boy.
"Are you stupid?" asks the teacher.
"No," said the little boy "but I feel sorry for you because
you're standing up."

A $2 Hearing Aid
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Ummm...
Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he
felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?"
he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just
stick this button in your ear and run this little string down
to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But
when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME ____________________

GANG NAME ___________________

TAG ____________________

HOOD ____________________

1). Little Jimmy has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He
usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13
rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings
can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to
Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what
is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how
many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's
$800 per day crack habit?

4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for
$40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a
Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes
and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal
to have $900?

6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for
the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how
much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for
killing the ho that spent his money?

7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet
and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters
can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with
20% paint free?

8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27
girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls
Hector knocked up?

9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa
constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5
per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many
weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?

10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at
35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20
seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when
he gets whacked?















1) Johnny can get roughly 2.3 drive-by's per clip.
2) This was one i couldnt get because i dont know how much an
8-ball is worth, if, in fact, its a real unit of measure.
3) Rufus' hos must turn 10 tricks.
4) Jerome needs 480 ounces.
5) Willie must steal 2 more corvettes.
6) Raoul will have $2,800 left.
Extra Credit) This is the other questionable one. It depends
on weather or not his sentence will increase because he is a
repeat offender, and what state he is from.
7) You can spray 26.4 letters.
8) Hector knocked up 1/9 of the girls.
9) Can feed his snake for a little over 46 weeks with one
week's income.
10) I think Billy can get .1749 miles before he gets whacked.
(i think this is 923.472 feet).

Yea...i know.
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Ummm...
Walking home one night, this guy hears a, "Psst! Psst!-give
me a hand with this pig would you?"

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding
onto a restless and aggitated pig. "What the heck are you
planning to do with that?" he asks.

"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."

"Why do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"

"Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who
knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has
shot up again...she says I know! I tell her there is more
trouble in the East again ... she says I know! I tell her
Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows
that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up
before me, I'll wait for her to come running to me screaming
'THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE'S A PIG IN BATH!'"

And I'll just turn to her and say, "Yeah, I know!"